My name is Peter Slenders, certified IBCT couples therapist with a practice in Wageningen. I am fluent English speaker visited by couples from Renkum, Bennekom, Ede, Veenendaal, Heelsum and Wageningen of course! I often still have room at short notice.

What would you like to see change in your relationship?
Do you want to stay closer to yourself? Are you missing depth and emotional connection? Do differences of opinion often lead to quarrels? Do you long for intimacy and pleasure in your sex life? Or are you unable to regain trust aftre your partner cheated on you? Is you non-monogamous relationship a source of jealousy and irritation because of your trouble agreeing with each other?

From you and me to we and us
A crisis or a relationship problem that has been going for a while shines a light on your relationship. It is a (silent) cry for change. The pain you feel consciously or unconsciously is unbearable or has numbed you. On average, people look for the solution in changing themselves or their partner. The problem is seen in terms of “you” and “I”. In my conversations I call that making the problem personal. The next step is often to wonder whether you are still compatible as partners. And if you feel bad, there is a good chance that you will say No!

That is why in couples therapy you also work on recognizing the relational problem in terms of “we” and “us”. Both of you then have your own share in the solution. This can help to not discharge you dissatisfaction onto each other, but instead to vector it towards your shared problem. In couples therapy you don’t do that alone.

I will be by your side
During our sessions I support you to have an open and honest dialogue, making space for your feelings in the here and now. That makes it safe and avoids judgments, blame and victimhood. Gradually you practice skills that help you do it yourself. There is a lot to be gained through couples therapy!

You can learn it!
Partners that are happy in their relationship do not take each other for granted. They continuously stimulate and rediscover each other. For this need new eyes and ears, because only then can they truely take in each other’s feelings and needs and to how the other changes. And the good news is, you can learn to do this. It’s a skill!! That sincere attunement to who your partner is deep down, beyond your own story line about them, is the lifeblood for a lasting relationship. Anyone that feels seen and supported by another can give the same in return. That then completes the circle: space for yourself and for each other. Research shows that the quality of our relationships influences how we feel about ourselves, how much we believe in ourselves and whether we will achieve what we dream of. In other words, your relationships give meaning to your existence and determine what you are capable of. And that certainly also applies to love relationships. An honest and safe relationship helps you stay emotionally and physically healthier and live longer.

You need a partner to break through the habits you established
Once you recognize the habitual patterns you have developed over time and start modifying them and applying you new skills, you start regaining control over happiness in your relationship. Which is wonderful as it restores trust in each other. Effectively expressing what you want, attending to sensitive matters and your mutual differences helps you build a strong relationship. Learning to accept what the other person cannot or does not want to change and changing what you do not want to accept is key. It does require a positive and empathetic connection. Only then can you look at this together in a meaningful way that allows your bond to grow.

Start investing in each other again
If you have invested little in each other, then at some point you may discover a want to engage in deliberately pleasing each other or spending time having fun. Fun is a powerful connector and it also makes you more tolerant of each other’s differences. In fact, you can handle problems better when you also have fun..

Learning how to solve problems together
It is not that having a problem makes you feel stuck. More likely will it be that avoiding to face the problem together or having the conviction that you won’t manage to solve it, will have a negative impact on your relationship. Partners that feel alone in facing a problem experience more stress than when they feel supported by their partner. Add to this the fact that an average of 5 positive experiences are needed to compensate for the effect of 1 negative experience and every effort should be made to start breaking through unhelpful habits straight away. Once you have a break through of your most important unhelpful habits, you will notice that change percolates to other areas of your life. Which is then good news as the more often you manage to turn the dissatisfaction into something positive, the more positive you become together.

So don’t wait too long to seek help
Many couples only seek help when they have already developed many negative feelings towards each other. What a shame. Because once communication gets poor, relational problems are  perceived to be to be bigger. And then, you will be more likely to think that you are not compatible. Even though breaking up can sometimes be a good thing, it is often a choice made in the heat of the moment. Having a third party next to you to help attune to feelings or reactions to feelings can be an asset in having a safe and open connection. It is often the shame of coming forward or the fear that this could be the beginning of the end that causes people to postpone asking for help. Or sometimes a partner thinks they should solve it alone. Nothing is less true. Remember: the best form of independence is knowing when to ask for help. I often hear couples say, “If only we had done this sooner!”. 

Feel free to contact me
My practice is called Relatiestroom and is located in the center of Wageningen. Relatiestroom is Dutch for Relational Flow. Parking is available nearby. Would you like meet? Please complete a contact form below and I will call you as soon as possible. You can also call me or send a WhatsApp message. I often respond the same day and I have space for you at short notice.